Star Wars Marathon: The Once In A Lifetime War In The Stars Awards!

The Star Wars marathon comes to an end, and what an end it shall be!

Edgar and I talked it over and decided that we’d do an awards show type presentation for the finale of the marathon. That’s really all there is to know, and that’s all the chit chat I plan on imparting, let’s get on with the awards!

Reviews:

Pretty simple, links to all of the reviews/rebuttals that Edgar and I wrote for this marathon,

Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (Extended Version, 1999)
My Review
Edgar’s Review
My Rebuttal
Edgar’s Rebuttal

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack Of The Clones (2002)
My Review
Edgar’s Review
My Rebuttal
Edgar’s Rebuttal

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith (2005)
My Review
Edgar’s Review
My Rebuttal
Edgar’s Rebuttal

Star Wars (Special Edition, 1977)
My Review
Edgar’s Review
My Rebuttal
Edgar’s Rebuttal

Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (Special Edition, 1980)
My Review
Edgar’s Review
My Rebuttal
Edgar’s Rebuttal

Star Wars: Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi (Special Edition, 1983)
My Review
Edgar’s Review
My Rebuttal
Edgar’s Rebuttal

Awards:

You know me, whether you want to or not, so you know I’m going to try and apply funny names to the award categories, but I’ll probably fail. There won’t be any nominees or anything like that, I’m keeping it simple, listing the winner and that’s it, I know Edgar will provide pretty pictures, but I’m lazy, like hella lazy.

Whoa, Did I Just See What I Think I Saw (AKA Best Use Of The Force):

It’s tempting to go with something grand and suitably epic in this category, but that would lose sight of the simple power of the Force. Thus, nothing compares to the one and only Darth Vader letting loose with Force chokes all over the place in Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back. It’s a very simple usage of the Force, well in comparison to other uses it is, but every time a body hits the floor or we see Vader tighten his fist the true power of the Force is on display, and it never ceases to amaze me.

I’ll Tell You What Happens When A Wookiee Loses (AKA Funniest Dialogue):

There’s a reason why as the years go by that one character more than others resonates with everyone when they watch any of the original trilogy, he is us, in every way. Han Solo was a brilliant creation and he remains to this day a brilliant character, and his shining moment may just well be in Star Wars, when the detention cell break-in has just begun. The always cool and collected Solo handles the call from the Imperial Navy for an explanation like only he can, “Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you?” Taken out of context it doesn’t seem like much, but in context it is hands down the funniest line of dialogue in the entire saga.

That Sand Can Sure Mess Some Shit Up (AKA Worst Dialogue):

Okay, I actually didn’t mind the love story in Star Wars: Episode II – Attack Of The Clones, but seriously Anakin, how did you score such a hot chick while uttering such stupid shit as this, “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.” What the fuck man, what does that even mean, what are you talking about, I would tell you to shut up, but in the end you did get the girl, so like, whatever.

I Hear That John Williams Has Some Talent (AKA Best Score):

This category might sound a tad redundant to those who don’t pay attention to the scores in the films they watch, but to those of us who do there is no doubt that each Williams score in the saga is different and special in its own way. Williams has a penchant for the epic, for grandiose music, and the one score that truly captures how epic Star Wars is better than all the others is the score of Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith. That score sweeps and carries the audience from moment to moment, constantly challenging whether or not what you have just seen is as epic as Star Wars can get and then blowing your mind again a few moments later with even more epicness.

There’s This Fellow They Call Superman (AKA Best Example Of Heroism):

It’s obvious to any person who lays eyes on a Star Wars film that this is a saga of heroes and villains, and each film reaffirms this with heroic acts and dastardly deeds. But the question becomes, what action is the most heroic of all? I think if one thinks about this too much they may miss one simple thing, Luke Skywalker leaves the life he knows with a man he doesn’t know and enters into untold danger all because he thinks helping a woman he doesn’t know is the right thing to do. I’m sorry folks, but you don’t get any more heroic than that, you just don’t, and that’s all I need to say.

Have You Ever Heard Of The Monarch Of Latveria? (AKA Best Example Of Villainy):

Okay, this should be easy, I mean, sure the Emperor is evil, General Grievous does some cool things, Boba Fett is the man and Jabba the Hutt is disgustingly evil, but when it comes to pure villainy there is only one Darth Vader. I’m going to go to the well again, but every second of Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back screams, “Look at this man, isn’t he the most bad ass villain you have ever seen?” The answer of course, is yes, and he bullies people around, chokes everyone he sees, toys with the life of his son, and screws with the lives of our heroes in the way that only a true bad ass villain can.

Something Just Flew By My Face, But I Don’t Know What (AKA Best Chase Scene):

I’m sure Edgar will put some more thought into this category than I did, but for me this is another simple category, nothing beats the chase throughout Coruscant near the beginning of Star Wars: Episode II – Attack Of The Clones. There’s twists and turns, it’s exciting, it lasts just the right amount of time, it looks cool, it has the Force in play, there’s witty banter, c’mon folks, nothing beats that chase scene.

I Spell Action AT-AT (AKA Best Action Sequence):

Yet another category that I found very simple. Just think back to the first time you saw an Imperial Walker through the binoculars of a rebel soldier and remember all of the awesomeness that followed. I needn’t tell you any more than that, AT-AT’s people, the first appearance of those behemoths, fighting in the snow, grappling hooks, explosions, death, mayhem, you can fuck off if you don’t like the Hoth battle sequence.

You See What He’s Doing Here Lucas, It’s Called Acting (AKA Best Performance):

I’m going to go a bit meta with this category, I’m going to go off the grid as it were. Yes, Harrison Ford was very good, so was Ewen McGreggor, Ian McDiarmid was fantastic, but when it comes to iconic performances you can’t beat James Earl Jones. I’m going entire saga here by the way, not just for an individual movie. That booming voice, the hatred behind every word he utters, the power he imparts unto the character, it’s simply doesn’t get any better than James Earl Jones as the voice of Darth Vader.

That Thing Had Six Eyes, No, I’m Not Lying, Six EYES! (AKA Best Monster/Alien):

One thing I will never take away from George Lucas is his amazing ability to populate the Star Wars films with exotic and amazing looking aliens. Sometimes all they do is stand in the background, other times they are the big bad villain, and every once in a while they are the hero, like my choice. No doubt I’m being influenced by my Expanding Universe reading in my choice, but I’ll be damned if his yelling of “It’s a trap!” doesn’t get me every fucking time. That’s right, as far as I’m concerned the best alien in all of the Star Wars saga is Admiral Ackbar. He is so exotic and foreign looking, yet there is a regal nature to his character, and this comes from nothing the actor does but in the wonderful design of Mr. Lucas and company. He may not be who you think of when you think of aliens in Star Wars, but I always think of Ackbar and how awesome he is.

Fuck Man, Why Couldn’t You Have Just Avoided that Damn Pit? (AKA Best Character We Wish We Had Seen More Of):

This one is obvious, at least I think it is, I’m sure Edgar will disagree. Jango is cool, but Boba is the Fett we all care about. He was, and still is, so fucking cool. That jet pack, that missile that looks so awesome that we just want him to use it, the armor, the total disdain his character seems to have by just standing there. But most of all I wanted to see more of Boba because he just looked and felt so god damn cool. Coolness will get you a lot of places in this world, and today it got Boba this award.

You Are So Utterly Useless, Yes You Are (AKA The Most Idiotic Character):

Take your place where you belong Ewoks, you miserable little fucks and undeserving destroyers of the Empire, fuck you!

Why Yes, That Is My Jaw On The Floor (AKA Best Lightsaber Duel):

Now this, this was a toughie. I’ve mulled over this for a long, long time and I still don’t believe I’ll ever be satisfied with my answer. For me it comes down to two duels, Vader versus Obi-Wan in Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith and Vader versus Luke in Star Wars: Episode VI – Return Of The Jedi. I don’t know which one to pick, I really don’t, I love both equally, but everyone knows that in the world of lightsaber dueling there can be no ties. That is why I must go with the Vader versus Obi-Wan duel from Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith. Not only is it the best choreographed duel of the saga by a fair margin, but it packs an emotional punch, providing so many little moments that speak to the power of the relationship that Obi-Wan and Anakin shared. Yeah, I feel comfortable with this choice, maybe…

No, I Do Not Want To Fuck With You, I’m Not That Stupid (AKA Best Character):

Okay, I’m sorry, but this is the easiest category of all, who in their right mind is going to list anyone but Darth Vader? Not only is he a pretty bad ass Jedi as Anakin in the prequel trilogy, but in the original trilogy he is the best bad ass the world has ever seen. What do you need me to write here, honestly? Even if we toss out his time as Anakin and view him just as Vader, he’s super powerful, has the best looking get up, like ever, fucks shit up on a regular basis and has easily the best character journey in the entire saga. Darth Vader people, Darth Vader is the answer and if you say differently Edgar, well then you are dead to me.

There Can Only Be One, And You Know What It is (AKA Best Film):

In my heart of hearts I legitimately think this is the most redundant category of all. Sure, it’s an important category, one that needs to be covered, but is there any doubt what film belongs in this slot? The answer is no, and if you say differently then you are delusional, or not me, take your pick. Nothing is more Star Wars than Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back. It is the most epic film of the saga, it has the most wit, the most darkness, the coolest action, the bad ass at his baddest, thee revelation to end all revelations, and, uh, it’s just fucking awesome man! I can’t frame it any better than that, Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back is epic and awesome, nothing in the rest of Star Wars comes close to touching its awesomeness, and that’s saying something.

It’s Over, It’s All Over:

Well, that does it folks. I have written far too much and probably bored you to tears, but that is what I do best. I had a blast participating in this marathon, reading your reviews was a pleasure Edgar and you made me think of some things that I never had before. Hopefully all of you had fun with this marathon, and if you didn’t, well, just remember around any corner a man in a black cape could be waiting to Force choke the shit out of you!

You can find Edgar’s awards over at Between The Seats.

Cheers,
Bill