Let the awesomeness begin!
Screenplay By: Doug Taylor
Directed By: Uwe Boll
The tag line says it all, I find Uwe Boll to be awesome. I watch and review plenty of serious movies, and I watch and review my share of lighthearted fare. But, I hold a special place in my movie watching heart for the works of someone like Herr Boll, movies so terrible that they end up being awesome. I read people ragging on Herr Boll all the time, and I’ve never understood it. He makes movies that are awesome to watch. I’ll give In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale a terrible rating because it is a terrible movie. But, there are movies that are terrible, and then there are movies that are so terrible that they become an awesome experience to partake in. Uwe Boll films would be the latter, and one day the rest of the world will see the light.
I could begin anywhere with In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and much like the movie this review will be a bit scattershot and all over the place. Okay, you have a story taking place in a medieval setting and yet ninjas fall out of the trees and characters fight like Asian martial artists, that is so, well, awesome. You ever wonder what happened to Leelee Sobieski after her noteworthy performance in the great A Soldier’s Daughter Never Cries? She went where all failed, past their prime, or those looking for an easy paycheck actors go. She along with Ray Liotta, Claire Forlani, Burt Reynolds, Matthew Lillard and John Rhys-Davies traversed to the land of Uwe Boll. Also along for the ride are Hellboy and the Transporter. Ron Perlman manages to be great even in a Herr Boll movie, so that should tell you how talented he really is. Meanwhile Jason Statham is horrendously bad and helps the movie to be just as terrible as it needs to be. Also present is Kristanna Loken, she’s hot, but she doesn’t get naked and have hot sex in a prison in this Uwe Boll movie, so ya know, she’s not as awesome as in the tremendously awful BloodRayne, easily Herr Boll’s best picture.
I was upset at the lack of bloodshed and idiotic deaths that are usually a staple of Uwe Boll movies. I watch Herr Boll movies expecting to see dudes get sliced in half while a geyser of blood erupts from there insides and random dudes continue to hack at them after they’ve been dead for a good five minutes. But, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale did have all the horrendous dialogue one could hope for, a story so disjointed and convoluted that I stopped paying attention after about five minutes, and a main character named Farmer.
People, lighten up, please. Recognize Uwe Boll for what he is, a necessary in the world of movies. He makes terrible movies that are great to watch, laugh at, and have some fun with. I’d rather watch one hundred Herr Boll movies than be forced to sit through even one mediocre movie that thinks it is a great cinematic work. The main characters name in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is Farmer and women just randomly swing down from vines in the forest while Ninjas hop all over a medieval landscape, c’mon people, you can’t beat that!
I must say I don’t find Boll’s films to be hilariously bad. Well, maybe stuff like this, but I watched Postal and it was not only bad but boring. Only a few moments dipped into so bad it’s funny territory.
Haven’t yet seen Postal, but I will admit that Alone In The Dark falls into the just plain terrible realm, but there is a director’s cut out there so I hold out hope that will be gloriously bad and not just boring like the theatrical cut.
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