William Shatner is in the fucking Wild West!
Written By: Suzanne Clauser
Directed By: Buzz Kulik
I’m sure something happens in Pioneer Woman, I just can’t tell you what the heck that is. I’ve seen breezy movies before, the type that want to gloss over every detail and move from scene to scene and moment to moment as fast as possible. No movie comes close to Pioneer Woman in that regard. The main character is pregnant and they mention that she is pregnant every five seconds, but alas it is not to be as a miscarriage occurs. It would have been nice for Pioneer Woman to give this big event some import, but alas that was not to be. Instead a few throwaway lines are tossed around and a minute later she has moved on with her life and the movie is trudging ahead full force. Nothing, nothing can be focused on in Pioneer Woman, move ahead full speed son, that’s what we have to do!
I won’t hide the fact that Pioneer Woman was a major disappointment to me. A movie with a run time of under an hour and twenty minutes with William Shatner playing a key character should be awesome in every bad way imaginable. Pioneer Woman wasn’t so bad it was good, it was just mediocre. Sure, it was cool to watch Shatner try like hell to act like he belonged in the Old West and fail miserably, or to watch as his character randomly popped up for five second intervals and made huge statements only to disappear for anther ten minutes until it was time for him to die. But, everything else sucked in a non-cool way, so disappointing.
I don’t know how many of you remember the old Apple game The Oregon Trail that was big in my school back in the late 80’s? Pioneer Woman was The Oregon Trail. Go forward five feet, uh oh, a member of your wagon company has lost a child, you lose supplies! Go forward five hundred miles, uh oh, a member of your wagon company was caught in a flash flood and died, you lose more supplies! You know what, that game sucked and so did Pioneer Woman!