Splatter Time Fun Fest 2010: The 1st Annual Bloody Machete Awards

Splatter Time Fun Fest 2010 comes to an end, but the horror, oh the horror, it never ends!

We did this last year. What, no, I’m not lying, we really did this last year, see. I know, I know, I’m a schlemiel who decided to change things up on you, but that’s how the cookie crumbles sometimes. Last year the October horror event was called Horror Month 2009 and the awards were known as the 1st Annual Splatter Time Fun Fest Awards. This year the October horror event is known as Splatter Time Fun Fest 2010, while the awards are going to be called the 1st Annual Bloody Machete Awards. Don’t worry, I plan on sticking with the names now in use for some time, and don’t worry about an introductory post. Follow the link to the awards from last year if you want an introduction to the categories and all that.

With all that noise out of the way, let’s get this bitch rolling,

Eligible Films:

Here are the fourteen eligible films,

A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
Sleepaway Camp (1983)
The House Of The Devil (2009)
Night Of The Demon (1957)
Bride Of Frankenstein (1935)
Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht (Nosferatu The Vampyre, 1979)
Janghwa, Hongryeon (A Tale Of Two Sisters, 2003)
Dawn Of The Dead (1978)
Trick ‘R Treat (2007)
The Mist (2007)
An American Werewolf In London (1981)
Psycho (1960)
28 Days Later… (2002)
Friday The 13th (1980)


These are the awards, I nominate some shit and award a winner in various categories, it’s really that simple.

Holy Boobies Batman! (AKA Best Boobies):

Once again, I’m a dude, I like boobies, I will award great boobies with an award. You don’t like it, too bad, I don’t give a shit. So here are the five nominees,

1) Henry watches some porn – Trick ‘R Treat

2) Brief shot of a boob before the werewolf transformation – Trick ‘R Treat

3) Nurse Alex shows some side boob – An American Werewolf In London

4) David takes in a day at the porno theater – An American Werewolf In London

5) Marcia briefly flashes some boob while having sex – Friday The 13th

And The Winner Is:

A really weak year for boobies, this one was. I had to resort to including superfluous background porn boob just to get to five nominees. With such a weak field it shouldn’t be surprising who wins, she’s gorgeous and chauvinist or not, the moment of side boob in American Werewolf In London was a treat to watch, it’s Jenny Agutter as Nurse Price all the way

Her boobs appear so briefly that there’s no point in a video, but here’s a grainy, and nowhere near as flattering as it should be, picture,

Buckets O’ Blood A Plenty (AKA Best Gore):

I enjoy good gore, oh yes I do, and these five nominees represent some great gore,

1) Gallons of blood erupt from the bed after Glen’s death – A Nightmare On Elm Street

2) Megan’s brains are blown all over the inside of her car – The House Of The Devil

3) Stephen is eaten in the elevator – Dawn Of The Dead

4) Jack is ripped to shreds by a werewolf – An American Werewolf In London

5) Bill is held in place by arrows – Friday The 13th

And The Winner Is:

A strong top three anchor the gore this year. All three have their virtues and I love the craftsmanship on display in each of the three main finalists. However, there can only be one winner, and I’m choosing the winner not just because of the copious amounts of gore, but because of how artfully done the gore is. Let the blood flow from the bed to the ceiling as a young Johnny Depp is turned into a liquid substance in very gory fashion.

Do Not Stick That Stake Through My Heart (AKA Best Death):

You died, I died, but who died the best, that’s the god damn question!!!! Oh yeah, here are the nominees,

1) Tina is sliced to pieces – A Nightmare On Elm Street

2) Jim gouges out a soldier’s eyes – 28 Days Later…

3) Marion takes a shower she’ll never forget – Psycho

4) Megan suddenly has to deal with a gun shooting a bullet into her skull – The House Of The Devil

5) Stephen is eaten by zombies in the elevator – Dawn Of The Dead

And The Winner Is:

Last year I went for the most beautiful death, the death that was constructed in such a way that is was high art. Dario Argento was nowhere to be found in this years festivities, and beautiful deaths just weren’t in the cards. This year I’m going visceral, and in terms of pure shot to the balls savagery nothing tops Jim going caveman and gouging out the soldiers eyes in 28 Days Later….

I wish I had a video to offer of the infamous eye gouge, but I couldn’t find it anywhere online. Sadly all I have to offer is this less than stellar picture,

I Swear I Didn’t Just Piss My Pants (AKA Creepiest Scene):

These didn’t scare me, but they were creepy, you might say they gave me the heebie jeebies. Your five creepiest nominees are,

1) Jim wanders the empty London streets – 28 Days Later…

2) Count Dracula finally feeds on Lucy – Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht (Nosferatu The Vampyre)

3) Sam peers into a bedroom and we see the sacrifices contained within – The House Of The Devil

4) Jason emerges from the water – Friday The 13th

5) Norman smiles at the camera whilst sitting in jail – Psycho

And The Winner Is:

For the second year in a row I do believe this is the toughest category. Any one of these moments could win and I would be happy, they are certifiably creepy. I don’t scare, all of you know this, but I can be creeped out by atmosphere and mood, or a tense moment. In that respect there can really only be one winner. Pay attention at about the fifty second mark of this video, and tell me that is not one of the creepiest glares you have ever witnessed.

My Guts Would Spill Out From Laughter If You Hadn’t Already Hacked Them Out With A Machete (AKA Funniest Scene):

I like to laugh, sometimes, maybe all the time, I’m a funny guy, what can I say. These five nominees are actually funny though,

1) The most awesome chef in the history of cinema yells out in pain – Sleepaway Camp

2) Principal Wilkins tries, and tires, and tries to bury a few bodies – Trick ‘R Treat

3) Jim gets told off by an old lady for being an underachiever – The Mist

4) David’s victims give him advice on how to kill himself, in a porno theater, and they give him a lot of advice – An American Werewolf In London

And The Winner Is:

It may have been an uneven film, and it’s nowhere near as comedic as advertised, but nothing trumps David’s victims alluding to the ways he can commit suicide in An American Werewolf In London. It’s a surreal moment, and the laughs keep building and building with each increasingly ridiculous suggestion.

Unfortunately I can’t find a clip of this scene anywhere online, so I have nothing to offer that shows how funny that scene is. Instead I give you a tiny clip that was also pretty funny,

You’re Like Syndrome, Only Effective (AKA Best Villain):

These are villains that work, they are, sort of bad guys, depending on your point of view. Here are the five nominees,

1) Freddy Krueger – A Nightmare On Elm Street

2) Karswell – Night Of The Demon

3) Count Dracula – Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht (Nosferatu The Vampyre)

4) Norman Bates – Psycho

5) Zombies and Humans – Dawn Of The Dead

And The Winner Is:

This was another very tough category, I loved the villainy that each and every one of these characters represented. The question becomes which type of villainy pushes a character/s over the top, and this year, at this time I happen to be a big fan of amicable villainy. One could argue that Norman Bates isn’t even a villain, for the second half of Psycho he is the focal point of the film and a sympathetic figure for the audience. But, he is still a villain, we may feel for his circumstances and his plight, we may like his genial nature, but he is a killer and his kind nature is what makes him such an effective villain.

This clip isn’t dastardly on the surface, but Bates is in full on villain mode here, drawing the audience in and pushing them away at the same time,

If This Were The Oscars This Would Be A Prestigious Award (AKA Best Performance):

Gender schmender, these are the five best performances, because yes, horror does feature some great performances,

1) Cillian Murphy as Jim – 28 Days Later…

2) Klaus Kinski as Count Dracula – Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht (Nosferatu The Vampyre)

3) Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates – Psycho

4) Niall MacGinnis as Dr. Julian Karswell – Night Of The Demon

5) Su-jeong Lim as Bae Soo-yeon – Janghwa, Hongryeon (A Tale Of Two Sisters)

And The Winner Is:

All of these performances, and a few that I couldn’t list, are great and award worthy. But, as I watched the films for Splatter Time Fun Fest 2010 there was one performance that stood out and I thought was a shoe in to win this award. Then came another performance that challenged the earlier performance and when the horses rounded the bend the battle for this award came down to Kinski and Perkins.

Both are tremendous performances, nuanced, subtle and tragic. They are haunting performances, made of the stuff that stays with you long after the film has stopped running. I feel dirty picking one over the other, but I can’t look past the great heights of Kinski’s performance in Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht. He commends the screen with his presence, delivering the best portrayal of a vampire I have ever seen and that is why he takes home the Bloody Machete.

The Big Whammy Mammy Jammy (AKA Best Film):

So yeah, these are the five nominees for best film, I think that’s obvious and uh, yeah,

1) Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht (Nosferatu The Vampyre)

2) Janghwa, Hongryeon (A Tale Of Two Sisters)

3) Dawn Of The Dead

4) The Mist

5) 28 Days Later…

And The Winner Is:

You know what, I know what I said earlier, but I’m pretty sure I was wrong and this was the toughest category. There is very little separating these films and there is very little separating the films that didn’t get nominated from appearing on this list. At the very least I liked all but one of the films I watched this year, and I found more than a handful of them to be great. But, I have to decide, I can’t pussyfoot around saying that one of these gets the award. By the slimmest of margins the atmosphere, tight direction and enthralling acting deliver this years Bloody Machete for best film to, Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht. More than any of the films I watched this year, Nosferatu: Phantom Der Nacht hit me in the gut with a spike and kept twisting and twisting until I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s a great horror film and the best film I watched during Splatter Time Fun Fest 2010.

It’s Over, It’s All Over:

That’s it folks, it’s over, it’s all over, wait, I just said that in the title, uh, um…! The 1st Annual Bloody Machete Awards are in the books and Splatter Time Fun Fest 2010 has reached its conclusion. I had a blast this year, I discovered some new flicks, found some new favorites, fell in love again with some forgotten friends, and enjoyed every moment of the festivities. I’ll be back again next year for another edition of Splatter Time Fun Fest. But, in the meanwhile, don’t forget that horror never goes away, it isn’t restricted to one month out of the year. No matter the time of the year or the season we are in there are always great horror films out there waiting for you to find them.


5 responses to “Splatter Time Fun Fest 2010: The 1st Annual Bloody Machete Awards

  1. Great call on Kinski, I was almost sure you would pick Perkins after the buildup of all the Psycho praise, but Kinski is one of the greats.

    Yes, Nosferatu is fantastic, but I think I personally would put Nightmare on Elm Street above it. Then again, I’m just a demented fan so I suppose I’ve got to admit my bias.

    I hope you do this next year. I wanted to do something like this, but after my epic Freddy vs. Jason marathon, I think my audience was tired of horror films.

  2. Pingback: Splatter Time Fun Fest 2012: The 3rd Annual Bloody Machete Awards | Bill's Movie Emporium

  3. Perkins was great, but Kinski was just a tad better.

  4. Pingback: Splatter Time Fun Fest 2011: The 2nd Annual Bloody Machete Awards | Bill's Movie Emporium

  5. Pingback: Splatter Time Fun Fest 2013: The 4th Annual Bloody Machete Awards | Bill's Movie Emporium

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