Splatter Time Fun Fest 2012: The 3rd Annual Bloody Machete Awards

Splatter Time Fun Fest 2012 comes to an end with a fittingly grotesque award show!

This is the fourth year I’m doing a horror awards show type thing for Splatter Time Fun Fest. In it’s first year the festivities were just known as Horror Month and the award show was known as the Splatter Time Fun Fest Awards. Before reading about this years festivities click on the trio of links below if you’re interested in the past awards,

The 1st Annual Splatter Time Fun Fest Awards
The 1st Annual Bloody Machete Awards
The 2nd Annual Bloody Machete Awards

Now, on to this years festivities,

Eligible Films:

Here are the twenty nine eligible films,

#1: Land Of The Dead (Director’s Cut, 2005)
#2: Carnival Of Souls (1962)
#3: Slither (2006)
#4: Spalovac Mrtvol (The Cremator, 1969)
#5: The Woman (2011)
#6: Gremlins (1984)
#7: The Others (2001)
#8: Dressed To Kill (1980)
#9: La Casa Con La Scala Nel Buio (A Blade In The Dark, 1983)
#10: The Old Dark House (1932)
#11: The Omen (1976)
#12: Onibaba (1964)
#13: The Woman In Black (2012)
#14: Village Of The Damned (1960)
#15: Maniac (1980)
#16: The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane (1976)
#17: Ringu (Ring, 1998)
#18: Trouble Every Day (2001)
#19: Wolfen (1981)
#20: The Return Of The Living Dead (1985)
#21: Körkarlen (The Phantom Carriage, 1921)
#22: Non Si Sevizia Un Paperino (Don’t Torture A Duckling, 1972)
#23: The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)
#24: Les Lèvres Rouges (Daughters Of Darkness, 1971)
#25: À L’intérieur (Inside, 2007)
#26: Picnic At Hanging Rock (1975)
#27: Jiao Zi (Dumplings, 2004)
#28: The Cabin In The Woods (2011)
#29: Profondo Rosso (Deep Red, 1975)


The awards are simple, I nominate some stuff in different, colorfully named categories, and some stuff wins, it’s that simple,

Holy Boobies Batman! (AKA Best Boobies):

I do like me some boobies, this is the category for boobies, if you don’t like that all I have to say is that this is my blog so deal with it yo,

1) Ilona Harczy has sex with Stefan – Les Lèvres Rouges (Daughters Of Darkness)

2) Trash dances around the graveyard – The Return Of The Living Dead

3) Kate Miller masturbates in the shower – Dressed To Kill

4) Liz Blake takes a shower – Dressed To Kill

5) Jules has sex in the woods – The Cabin In The Woods

And The Winner Is:

A great year for boobies this year. I’m going to sound ridiculous for a second and say that I had a hard time picking a pair of boobies to win this award. But, in the end nothing beats Trash traipsing around naked through the graveyard in The Return Of The Living Dead. Give Trash and her amazing boobies this award folks!

Below is a clip from The Return Of The Living Dead of Trash doing her thing. Enjoy the awesomeness of Trash’s boobies everyone,

Buckets O’ Blood A Plenty (AKA Best Gore):

These five nominees represent the best of the best when it came to this years gore,

1) Louise gets spiked in the neck – À L’intérieur (Inside)

2) Sarah is given a c-section – À L’intérieur (Inside)

3) Shane mows down on Christelle – Trouble Every Day

4) Coré devours a burglar – Trouble Every Day

5) Marta gets decapitated by an elevator – Profondo Rosso (Deep Red)

And The Winner Is:

I wasn’t a huge fan of the movie itself, but I can’t deny the technical craft of the gore found in À L’intérieur. There wasn’t an instance of gore in that film that I didn’t believe in and find awesome crafted at the same time. Ultimately one scene stood out more than the rest and that’s why the Bloody Machete goes to Sarah getting a c-section from the Woman.

I had trouble finding actual videos from the movie. But, I did find a music video that features clips from the c-section scene. It’s near the end, and it’s not the entire scene, but this music video should give you a taste of how excellently crafted the gore is in À L’intérieur,

Do Not Stick That Stake Through My Heart (AKA Best Death):

People die in horror movies, but who dies the best, that is the question,

1) Chris Cleek has his guts ripped out and his heart devoured as a main course – The Woman

2) A Gremlin is zapped inside of a microwave – Gremlins

3) Jennings is decapitated – The Omen

4) Lucy Jerome sets herself on fire – The Woman In Black

5) Marta is decapitated by an elevator – Profondo Rosso (Deep Red)

And The Winner Is:

A wide variation of awesome deaths during this years fest. Some were cool looking, some were inventive, some were gruesome, and still some combined all of those elements. But, one was stylish, inventive, cool, and surprised the heck out of me. Maybe I’m giving too much credit to this death because it took place in a such a mainstream movie, but I don’t think so. The Bloody Machete for best death goes to Jennings and his terrible encounter with a window pane in The Omen.

Below is a short video of one of the best deaths I’ve ever seen in a horror movie,

I Swear I Didn’t Just Piss My Pants (AKA Creepiest Scene):

I don’t find horror movies scary, but they can be suitably creepy, and trust me, creepy and scary are two very different concepts,

1) The dolls come to life – Maniac

2) Countess Bathory turns Stefan on with talk of blood and death – Les Lèvres Rouges (Daughters Of Darkness)

3) Kichi’s Mother can’t remove the mask – Onibaba

4) Lucy Jerome sets herself on fire – The Woman In Black

5) Frank Hallet stops by for Halloween – The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane

And The Winner Is:

I had a very hard time deciding between the movies in contention this year. Every one of them was creepy in their own special way. In the end it came down to one well known actor being as lecherous and creepy as I’ve ever see him. Watching Martin Sheen in his initial appearance during The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane was the type of creepy that makes your skin crawl. And that, is why he’s taking home the Bloody Machete.

Skip ahead to around the two minute forty five second mark in the video below and let the creepy begin,

My Guts Would Spill Out From Laughter If You Hadn’t Already Hacked Them Out With A Machete (AKA Funniest Scene):

Everyone likes to laugh, so let’s have a laugh,

1) The group sees pregnant Brenda for the first time – Slither

2) Chris Cleek tells The Woman that biting off his finger wasn’t civilized – The Woman

3) Gizmo rides around in a Barbie car – Gremlins

4) Suicide tells Trash that his outfit is a way of life – The Return Of The Living Dead

5) Marty walks by and notices Holden’s “husband’s bulge” – The Cabin In The Woods

And The Winner Is:

I made a concerted effort to watch more horror-comedies this year, and my tactic paid off. I had lots of great comedic moments to choose from this year. However, the over the top ridiculousness of one moment ruled above all others. The walking advertisement for a certain way of life that is Suicide takes home the Bloody Machete.

It’s a short moment, but the conviction of Suicide to his way of life and his glowing respect for the dead had me laughing hysterically,

You’re Like Syndrome, Only Effective (AKA Best Villain):

Your definition of a villain may vary, but these are the villains that made this years Fest work for me,

1) Frank Zito – Maniac

2) Countess Bathory – Les Lèvres Rouges (Daughters Of Darkness)

3) Kichi’s Mother – Onibaba

4) Stripe – Gremlins

5) Dr. Elliot/Bobbi – Dressed To Kill

And The Winner Is:

I really wanted to go with Stripe because, well, he’s Stripe. And truth be told this was a razor close category where any of the five finalists could win. Stripe is an awesomely destructive villain. Dr. Elliot/Bobbi is all kinds of psychological and allegorical. Kichi’s Mother is the classic villain with intentions she believes are good. Countess Bathory is the sly and seductive villain. And then there is Frank Zito, evil personified and someone who is so vile in his head that he destroys the idea of the anti-hero. Frank Zito takes home the Bloody Machete, he is the most villainous of all the villains.

Below is a short clip of Frank talking to one of his soon to be victims in all his sick and twisted villainous awesomeness,

If This Were The Oscars This Would Be A Prestigious Award (AKA Best Performance):

There are some really great horror performances out there, these happen to be some of them,

1) Nicole Kidman as Grace Stewart – The Others

2) Joe Spinnell as Frank Zito – Maniac

3) Delphine Seyrig as Countess Bathory- Les Lèvres Rouges (Daughters Of Darkness)

4) Pollyanna McIntosh as The Woman – The Woman

5) Nobuko Otowa as Kichi’s Mother – Onibaba

And The Winner Is:

Out of all the categories this one ended up being without a doubt the toughest. I have nothing but glowing praise to offer upon any of the actors above. I will say that I’m very happy that four of the five finalists ended up bring women, that speaks to the consistently strong performances women traditionally bring to the table in horror. In the case of the lone male present, I can’t think of a more career defining performance than that of Joe Spinnell as Frank Zito. Mr. Spinnell fully embodies the awfulness of Frank and the raw physicality of his way of life. The Bloody Machete goes to Mr. Spinnell for his work in Maniac, his performance is, without a hint of hyperbole, one of the finest I have ever seen.

It’s only a trailer, but the moments we do see Mr. Spinnell in this trailer show how strong his performance was,

The Big Whammy Mammy Jammy (AKA Best Film):

The best of the best, these films represent the cream of the crop from this years entries,

1) Dressed To Kill

2) Maniac

3) Onibaba

4) Profondo Rosso (Deep Red)

5) The Cabin In The Woods

And The Winner Is:

Adding more films to this years Fest meant that there were a few more great films to watch than in past years. While this made narrowing the field down more difficult it also means that the five nominees in this category are something special. While all of these five films were great experiences it is one film and one film alone that can take home the big enchilada. I haven’t written about it a lot in any of the other award categories, but the Bloody Machete for Best Film goes to Dressed To Kill. Viewed as a collective whole no other movie this year came close to the raw horror experience that was Brian De Palma’s Dressed To Kill. Mr. De Palma’s effort provided everything I look for in the horror movies I consider great, and that’s why it’s taking home the top honors.

Below is a trailer for Dressed To Kill, but trust me seeing the whole movie is what you want to do,

It’s Over, It’s All Over:

Another year is in the books, and personally I am very happy with the results. Lots of great movies this year, but more importantly lots and lots of variety. Like usual I had a blast presenting this, and hopefully my eternally faithful readers had a blast reading my babbling’s. I’ll be back next year, hopefully, but there’s never an off season for horror, remember that most of all!


One response to “Splatter Time Fun Fest 2012: The 3rd Annual Bloody Machete Awards

  1. Pingback: Splatter Time Fun Fest 2013: The 4th Annual Bloody Machete Awards | Bill's Movie Emporium

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s