Splatter Time Fun Fest 2013: The 4th Annual Bloody Machete Awards

Splatter Time Fun Fest 2013 is over, and all that leaves is the award show to end all award shows!

This is the fifth year I’m doing a horror awards show type thing for Splatter Time Fun Fest. In it’s first year the festivities were just known as Horror Month and the award show was known as the Splatter Time Fun Fest Awards. Before reading about this years festivities click on the links below if you’re interested in the past awards,

The 1st Annual Splatter Time Fun Fest Awards
The 1st Annual Bloody Machete Awards
The 2nd Annual Bloody Machete Awards
The 3rd Annual Bloody Machete Awards

Now, on to this years festivities,

Eligible Films:

Here are the twenty nine eligible films,

#1: Opera (1987)
#2: The Stepfather (1987)
#3: Ginger Snaps (2000)
#4: Santa Sangre (1989)
#5: When A Stranger Calls (1979)
#6: The Unknown (1927)
#7: Martyrs (2008)
#8: Let’s Scare Jessica To Death (1971)
#9: Altered States (1980)
#10: The Masque Of The Red Death (1964)
#11: The Howling (1981)
#12: White Zombie (1932)
#13: The Innkeepers (2011)
#14: Kaidan (Kwaidan, 1964)
#15: The Toxic Avenger (1984)
#16: Somos Lo Que Hay (We Are What We Are, 2010)
#17: Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
#18: Patrick (1978)
#19: Valerie A Týden Divu (Valerie And Her Week Of Wonders, 1970)
#20: Tucker And Dale Vs Evil (2010)
#21: The Man Who Laughs (1928)
#22: Cronos (1993)
#23: Wait Until Dark (1967)
#24: Lake Mungo (2008)
#25: Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things (1973)
#26: The Loved Ones (2009)
#27: Dust Devil (Final Cut, 1992)
#28: ¿Quién Puede Matar A Un Niño? (Who Can Kill A Child?, 1976)
#29: Island Of Lost Souls (1932)


The awards are simple, I nominate some stuff in different, colorfully named categories, and some stuff wins, it’s that simple,

Holy Boobies Batman! (AKA Best Boobies):

Probably the most controversial category, but it’s my blog and I like boobies, so this is what I do,

1) Wanda jills off in the sauna – The Toxic Avenger

2) Hedvika has sex with her husband – Valerie A Týden Divu

3) Holly gets naked in the car – The Loved Ones

4) Stephanie takes a shower – The Stepfather

5) Rubi strips in Fenix’s stage act – Santa Sangre

And The Winner Is:

Another great year for women showing off their goods. Call me old fashioned, but 1980s slashers always have the best shot at winning this category. This year the Bloody Machete goes to Stephanie (Jill Schoelen) and her splendid rack as showcased in The Stepfather.

Below is a clip from The Stepfather of Stephanie showing off her wares. Enjoy the 1980s slasher boobies everyone,

Buckets O’ Blood A Plenty (AKA Best Gore):

Things get gory in the horror genre, and these were the five best gory scenes this year,

1) Mike throws himself into a wood chipper – Tucker And Dale Vs Evil

2) Lola ‘Princess’ crawls on the ground with a split open wrist – The Loved Ones

3) Anna is scoured of all her skin – Martyrs

4) The taxi driver has his chest ripped open – Somos Lo Que Hay

5) Jesus Gris rips his skin off – Cronos

And The Winner Is:

There were plenty of gory scenes to choose from this year. On the one hand I considered going with a scene that was purely visceral, but the visuals of said scene left me somewhat cold. The scene I ended up going with features plenty of blood, gore, and a pinch of comedy as well. Mike throwing himself into the wood chipper was the best gore this year, and that’s why it’s taking home the Bloody Machete.

This clip is a little long, but it setps up and pays off the wood chipping scene from Tucker And Dale Vs Evil in all its glory,

Do Not Stick That Stake Through My Heart (AKA Best Death):

Horror movie deaths are more than your ordinary cinematic death, that’s why they deserve some praise,

1) Alfredo is burned alive in his gorilla costume – The Masque Of The Red Death

2) Mike throws himself into a wood chipper – Tucker And Dale Vs Evil

3) Daddy is stabbed in the neck and tossed to the cannibals – The Loved Ones

4) Mira is shot through the eye via a peephole – Opera

5) Orgo has acid tossed on his balls and then slits his throat – Santa Sangre

And The Winner Is:

Inventiveness goes a long way as far as this category is concerned. All of the nominated deaths were plenty violent and gory. Only one of them was inventive in a way that kind of shocked me, and that’s why that death has stuck with me far more than any horror death I’ve seen in some time. Dario Argento is a horror legend, and the way he shot a death via a peephole was imaginative and suspenseful all at once. Mira and her peephole adventure from Opera takes home the Bloody Machete.

Just around the corner is a video of the peephole scene from Opera, enjoy,

I Swear I Didn’t Just Piss My Pants (AKA Creepiest Scene):

Scary doesn’t do it for me, but creepy, I’m all about the creepy,

1) Alice sees her future ghost self – Lake Mungo

2) Lola figures out that Daddy is her Prince – The Loved Ones

3) Ginger manages to seduce Scott while looking like a cancer victim – Ginger Snaps

4) A little girl kills an old man with a cane and laughs about it – ¿Quién Puede Matar A Un Niño?

5) Eddie hallucinates for the first time – Altered States

And The Winner Is:

Five worthy candidates for this category, but one scene was far creepier than the others. ¿Quién Puede Matar A Un Niño? had set up a suitably creepy general atmosphere, then the scene with the girl, the old man, and the cane took place. The little girls laugh, the old mans helplessness, and the fact that it all took place in broad daylight were beyond creepy. There was never really any contest, as soon as I saw the little girl beat the old man to death with his own cane I knew that ¿Quién Puede Matar A Un Niño? would be taking home the Bloody Machete in this category.

Here’s a full clip of the creepiness that little kids can bring about,

My Guts Would Spill Out From Laughter If You Hadn’t Already Hacked Them Out With A Machete (AKA Funniest Scene):

Horror movies are good for laughs too, don’t ya know?

1) The Toxic Avenger beats up some thugs with one of their own, ripped off, arms – The Toxic Avenger

2) Mike throws himself into a wood chipper – Tucker And Dale Vs Evil

3) Jamie fails to slide across the hood of his car – The Loved Ones

4) Edward decks Dr. Moreau out of nowhere – Island Of Lost Souls

5) The prostitutes chase down a car – Somos Lo Que Hay

And The Winner Is:

I laughed a fair amount this year, and quite often I’m sure I was laughing at something that wasn’t supposed to be funny. The scene with the most staying power is also the most ludicrous and absurd. Beating up a guy with his own arm is absurd in the most over the top fashion. It’s also very funny and that’s why a guy being waylaid by his own arm in The Toxic Avenger takes home the Bloody Machete this year.

The following clip is of the entire taco stand fight from The Toxic Avenger. For the beating arm action fast forward to about the three and a half minute mark,

You’re Like Syndrome, Only Effective (AKA Best Villain):

Everyone loves a bad guy, and what would a horror fest be without a lot of great villains?

1) Prince Prospero – The Masque Of The Red Death

2) Orlik – Valerie A Týden Divu

3) Lola ‘Princess’ – The Loved Ones

4) Dr. Moreau – Island Of Lost Souls

5) Jerry Blake – The Stepfather

And The Winner Is:

A mix of the classical and the progressively modern, the villains in this years fest were certainly varied. Jerry Blake was somewhere in the middle. That character had the old fashioned values and way of carrying himself that is found in so many classic villains. He also had a bloodthirsty drive and a penchant for dishing out gruesome deaths that is the hallmark of the modern horror villain. Jerry Blake impressed me a ton as a villain, his character from The Stepfather is taking home this years bloody Machete for best villain.

The clip below is of Jerry Blake being the best villain he can be in The Stepfather,

If This Were The Oscars This Would Be A Prestigious Award (AKA Best Performance):

Horror produces some fine performances, here are some of the best from this years fest,

1) Vincent Price as Prince Prospero – The Masque Of The Red Death

2) Jaroslava Schallerová as Valerie – Valerie A Týden Divu

3) Tyler Labine as Dale – Tucker And Dale Vs Evil

4) Paulina Gaitan as Sabina – Somos Lo Que Hay

5) Terry O’Quinn as Jerry Blake – The Stepfather

And The Winner Is:

I went back and forth in my head trying to come up with a winner in this category. Every actor that I listed, and even some that were left off of the final list, gave a performance worthy of recognition. However, there can only be one, and the person taking home the Bloody Machete is Tyler Labine for his work as Dale in Tucker And Dale Vs Evil. His performance was heartfelt, charming, funny, and serious. Mr. Labine brought the goods, and he deserves more praise than he’s ever gotten for his work in that film.

The clip I chose shows how wonderful Mr. Labine was in his role,

The Big Whammy Mammy Jammy (AKA Best Film):

Only the best of the best make it into this category, these are the five best films from this years festivities,

1) The Masque Of The Red Death

2) Tucker And Dale Vs Evil

3) Island Of Lost Souls

4) Valerie A Týden Divu

5) Somos Lo Que Hay

And The Winner Is:

There were a lot of options to choose from this year, as this years fest featured plenty of great movies. Foreign, slasher, classic, comedy, just about every subgenre of horror had an entry this year. Of the five finalists three were neck and neck for the top honors. In the end the experimental awesomeness of Valerie A Týden Divu and the classic horror stuff of Island Of Lost Souls couldn’t match up to the blend of comedy, gore, meta, and great characters that is Tucker And Dale Vs Evil. Eli Craig’s soon to be horror classic takes home the most important Bloody Machete of all, it was the best film of this years fest.

Here’s the trailer for Tucker And Dale Vs Evil, a small taste of a very great film,

It’s Over, It’s All Over:

Another Splatter Time Fun Fest bites the dust, and I had a great time yet again. This is my favorite feature on the blog, and I hope it’s a feature that my readers continue to enjoy as much as I always do. I’ll be back next year with another installment of the fest. But, never forget that horror is a year round festival, so no matter the time of the year there’s always a horror movie out there for my fellow horror buffs to watch.


2 responses to “Splatter Time Fun Fest 2013: The 4th Annual Bloody Machete Awards

  1. Splatter Time Fun Fest is fast becoming my favourite Halloween tradition. Nice work!

  2. Thank you kindly, today I start planning for next years fest, so it’s a tradition that’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s