Review: The Seventh Sign (1988)

Nothing says freaky like a bunch of Haitians staring dead eyed at the Captain from Das Boot!

Written By: Clifford & Ellen Green
Directed By: Carl Schultz

I actually took notes on The Seventh Sign, but I don’t see the point in using them. There are only a few things you need to know about this movie,

–Demi Moore is actually quite good, she brings real emotion and gives her performance a go. She’s held back by terrible writing and bad direction, but hey she tries. And she gets naked as a pregnant lady, I can’t recall having seen that too often in American cinema.

–Michael Biehn is Michael Biehn and therefore he is awesome in everything, don’t you forget that!

–Jimmy is obviously mentally challenged, I mean he’s mentally challenged to the point where my dog would look at him and be like, “Dude, you are mentally challenged.” Yet the entire movie rests on the idea of any body of government anywhere declaring him as a fit citizen. Bu ya know, he’s obviously mentally challenged so that storyline is dead in the water before it even starts.

–The movie keeps trying for biblical horror, but it does so in empty, vapid proclamations. The Bible, God, Satan and religion can be very scary, but they need to be handled right, not in a heavy handed manner that creates zero suspense and isn’t remotely horrific. I am all for more portrayals of Jesus as a vindictive prick though, that was nice.

–The Jewish nerd was all kinds of awesome, I mean he’s totally unbelievable and yet so awesomely bad. First you have his lucky appearance when Moore goes to visit the rabbi, then you have the fact that he, and only he can decipher the ancient text. But it gets better, he takes a pregnant Demi Moore to a hotel to “get a bible” wink wink. I decided at that point that this film would have been much better if it was remade as The Seventh Sign 2: When My Jewish Lover Comes Home to Roost!. The entire movie can be a pregnant Demi Moore and the Jewish kid going from hotel to hotel and “getting bibles.”

So, there you have it, The Seventh Sign pretty much sucked. It was boring and not the least bit horrific or suspenseful. The only joy one can get from this movie is by allowing your mind to wander and create ridiculous nonsense like the road trip hotel movie. But, seriously, avoid this movie, it’s not worth your time.

Rating:

**

Cheers,
Bill