Review: BloodRayne (Unrated, 2005)

I do this not for myself, but for my dear friend and one sexy motherfucker, Kyle Anderson, so that we can once again revel in the awesomeness that is this particular Uwe Boll picture, so yeah, like come along for the ride and shit!

Written By: Guinevere Turner
Directed By: Uwe Boll

I usually like to post in a regular format on this blog, but there’s only one way I can review the awesomeness of BloodRayne and that is to do this write-up stream of consciousness style, so here you go bitches!

–Michael Madsen, I will salute you till the end of time for that sweet mullet!

–“A place where sunsets set the whole sky on fire,” isn’t actually that bad of a a line but, it would have helped if the chick who said it was capable of any emotion at all.

–Tim Burton has Johnny Depp and Uwe Boll has Will Sanderson, this guy is in every other Boll picture, and he always looks and acts the same, he’s brilliant.

–Look at that rug on Ben Kingsley, that thing is fucking EPIC!

–Boll cuts here and there and leaves the viewer with no god damn idea what is going on, but really, a film like BloodRayne doesn’t need logic or well choreographed fight scenes.

–Holy shit, I just realized Sebastian is Alaric Saltzman from The Vampire Diaries, what the fuck?

–Yes, that is Michelle Rodriguez attempting an English accent, no she isn’t trying that hard, and yes it is the most laughable attempt at an accent these ears have ever heard.

–I love how Boll inserts moments that are supposed to be heart rending, like Rayne attacking her friend in the carnival, but instead it’s just something that happens that doesn’t matter, at all.

–Sebastian looks like he’s straight out of a 1980’s Gap ad, pretty, pretty awesome.

–Oh good God, I just had to rewind the entrance of Billy Zane a good three times, what is up with the hair in this movie, seriously?

–Have you heard of this thing called acting Kristanna Loken, sure one second you’re bloodthirsty and the next you’re badly killing other vampires, but perhaps you should show a little emotion when for no reason whatsoever you declare you only want to kill other vampires.

–Okay, she may be shit as an actress, but Loken is super duper hot, and wears that outfit well!

–Those blades of hers are the cheapest looking things ever, they look like a couple of plastic swords.

–How does she even know about the cross key, what the hell is going on?

–Any time the movies tries to get all exposition like I focus on Kristanna Loken’s amazing breasts and let the idiocy wash over me, it’s very cathartic.

–Whoa there Ms. Loken, let’s just stick with one accent, okay?

–I just watched three guys get pierced right through the head, and I’m no doctor but I think that when a large blade has passed through your head, to the ground beneath you and you’ve spurted out ten gallons of blood, very red blood at that, you’re probably dead already, but what do I know…

–Michael Madsen just grazed a guy and a few liters of blood went flying about twenty feet in the air, awesome!

–A dude just got split in half, Darth Maul style!

–And now that same guy is being hacked at by a bunch of other dudes, and he’s still writhing in pain. This guy has been severed in half, his chest has been ripped open, he’s leaking blood like he’s trying to fill up a lake, and he’s had his arm cut off, but dude is still writhing in pain!

–Okay, that was the greatest battle ever to see the big screen, EVER!

–I love how Boll just keeps throwing random scenes at the screen that serve no purpose to any sort of story ever told in the history of the world, let alone whatever story this movie is trying to tell.

–Meatloaf motherfuckers, yes, Meatloaf!

–Little bit of trivia for you, Meatloaf’s harem consists of honest to god prostitutes, Boll didn’t feel like paying any actresses to squirm around naked so he hired some prostitutes, and that is why Uwe Boll is the fucking man!

–Apparently watching your mother get raped and murdered right in front of you means that in the flashback the rape is nowhere to be seen.

–What a great training montage, now instead of half spins she can do actual cart wheels and still swing those damn blades like a stiff, slow moving robot.

–Exploitative sex scene for the win, for the huge fucking win!!!

–It’s always cool to see an actress have to duck down to make sure that a roundhouse kick from another actress misses, a roundhouse kick that is supposed to be aimed at the head but ends up coming at about pelvis level.

–So I’m pretty sure Michelle Rodriguez and Kristanna Loken had an affair in real life, and that’s some hot lesbian shit right there, I will not lie.

–Can you feel the love in the air between Sebastian and Rayne? Well good for you then, because I sure as hell can’t.

–Michelle Rodriguez’s death is as anti-climactic a death as I think I’ve ever seen.

–There’s a moment in the castle after Madsen and Sebastian escape, when someone comes out of nowhere to try and grab them, but it’s obvious how little of a fuck Michael Madsen gives as his version of getting away quickly is is to stumble in slow motion like a drunk.

–Oh yeah, more blood spraying from bodies like a damn geyser is going off!

–Ben Kingsley’s delivery of “ungrateful bitch,” is suitably awesome!

–How’s this for an ending, “Well, no one has any idea what the hell the story is about, so let’s put together a slow moving, six minute montage of random scenes from earlier in the film that are arranged in a manner that makes zero sense and only serve to show more blood and guts all over the place.” Oh Uwe, you are such a genius.

And that’s that folks, my review of the single worst film I have ever seen, yet a movie so terrible that it does a one eighty and becomes an awesome viewing experience. If you ever wonder why I love Uwe Boll, this film is the reason why. The rest of his filmography is bad, yes most of his films are so bad that they are good, but at the end of the day those films for as enjoyable as they are remain bad films. BloodRayne is something different, BloodRayne is a film made so incompetently from everyone involved that it can’t help but be awesome. That’s why the rating you see at the end of this review is not a typo, BloodRayne is a transcendent experience, the type of film that only comes along once in a great while. Yes, I do in fact love BloodRayne that much, and I don’t care if this ruins my credibility in the eyes of many because I wasn’t too credible to begin with and because I don’t want to live in a world where a person can’t love a film so gloriously awful. BloodRayne is legit yo, just ask Kyle Anderson, he’ll tell you!

Rating:

****

Cheers,
Bill